05 January, 2012

Of mommy-guilt and mommy's separation anxiety

I chose to play stay-at-home-mom for a while. The idea was to keep an eye on my little one at least till he was able to talk. Much as I loved being a working professional, I've always wanted to be able to stay at home when my kid(s) were very little, unless of course, I couldn't afford to.

I know that there are places that offer excellent daycare. I know that there are some great nannies out there too, who probably would do a better job than I do. It is just that I was not comfortable with any arrangement other than my watching over my kid till he was fairly good with words. I admit I'm not the best mother in the whole world. I don't spend every minute of my day with him. I don't give him undivided attention all day long. I spend a good part of the day doing my chores and my reading and trying to find some time to do some blogging, amongst a whole lot of other things. I do feel guilty about not spending more  'quality time' with him. I guess mommy-guilt is here to stay, no matter what. Even if I were to spend all my hours playing with him, I'd still have felt the guilt every time I had to make a trip to the loo.

Even though the guilt lingers, even though I continue to miss work and a part of me is crabby about having put my career on hold, I have been happy about one thing -the fact that 'I' have been in charge of my precious little baby.

Now the toddler can talk. He can communicate. He's tired of his toys and probably bored of seeing too much of mommy and daddy. It's time he ventured out of the protective walls of his home. It's time he had his own friends and its time his world got a little bigger. And now that he can express himself, it is the right time for preschool; a few days a week at least.

I'm prepared more than ever to let him go. Considering the stage of life that he is in, I am a braver mother. I could actually do with a few guilt-free hours to do my own things. I should be happy for that, and I guess I am. But I worry too.

I know my baby can tell his teacher if he needs something. I know he can come home at noon and tell me if something was not right at school that day. I know I should learn to trust some more people with my boy. Yet, anxiety is getting the better of me. I just filled up a few pages of his admission form, and the questions about what has to be done in the case of an emergency are freaking me out. I know the school wants to do the right thing with my consent but I'm getting all choked up.

12 comments:

  1. so much of most moomy's thoughts are reflected here. I did go thru the same for Sukayna, but have settled now for Rayhan....but again as u mentioned the guilt holds and will never fade!

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  2. Yeah Sherin, I guess these are some things that we mommies just have to live with. It was my little one's first day at school yesterday and I was so miserable. Is Rayhan liking school? I really wanna meet that mischevious kid.

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  3. i can't say how it feels from mummies view.. but i feel these things may be because of unavoidable circumstances and for financial freedom few moms leave their kids and goes to work !
    Good post and touchy of course :)
    it just reminds me my niece :)

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  4. That's right Deepak, some moms have no choice but to leave their kids in daycare. What I'm trying to say is that, in some way or the other (even if you chose to be a stay-at-home mom) mummy-guilt just gets to you. I believe its unavoidable.

    And it was my separation anxiety that got me to write this post. Boy! this is therapeutic. :)

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  5. it was a nice read although it wud be difficult for me to actually understand the situation. but a cool post.

    and btw i liked ur other post and both the links as well. couldn't post a comment because of that captcha thing :D

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  6. No issues. :)
    Thank you Debajyoti, for coming by.

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  7. I think, I just read my mom's mind on your blog. I'm 26 and working. but she still haven't overcome that mommy anxiety. But frankly speaking we love you moms for all that you are.

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  8. Love your post. Am A SAHM too who gave up the corporate world to raise better kids. your thoughts are like me talking. Love your blog. Have taken 45 mins. and read all the post:) phew... am tired now and need tea:))

    your newest follower and a regular visitor from now on. you can find me at http://purplechronicle.blogspot.com/

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  9. Hey Kajal,
    Welcome to Odds and Ends. If you're a mom, you totally understand what I mean :) I'm so glad you liked my blog. Thank you for inviting me to your space; I'll be visiting Purple Chronicle real soon.

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  10. I absolutely understand what you mean. I went through the same when My daughter started playschool but I soon let go of anxieties and came to enjoy my three hour breather. I hope your son settles in the school soon. Following your blog now. You are visit me at http://indianma.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Swapna. He's settled down and loving the place and I am beginning to make use of that time. :)

      That's cool. Welcome to Odds and Ends. I shall surely come by your blog. Thank you.

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